October, 15, 2005
This is about as much as I can say. Some things you never see coming, some you do. With the things you can predict you may choose to avoid them, let them wash over you because you just don't give a fuck, or take it like the little bitch you are because your scared shitless, paralized in your own skull, censorys blocked. You'll tell your legs to start moving, tell your god damned limbs to hurry the fuck up, but your own fear and self loathing has glued you to the floor.
your fucked.
Some people are so fucking pathetic. They have everything in the world that allows them to live comfortably, it appears they have everything, including a broken heart. I can't bring myself to pitty these delusioned fools, for I myself was once one of them. These over priviledged, underappreciative, emotionally spoiled children trapped in a teenagers body. What these people need is a good emotional shit kicking, not to be hugged or comforted.
When will we learn to stop feeling sorry for ourselves, when a girl tells you you have a small dick and that she never loved you, when a boy tells you that he only used you for the wealth you attain from your wealthy upper class in the closet alchoholic parents. When you get smacked around by someone you trust a little.
WHEN YOU LEARN TO GET OVER THESE PETTY OCCURANCES!
Smarten the fuck up damnit. Be a man. GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS!

August, 7, 2005
You can abandon many things, people, places, possesions, obsessions, but you cannot abandon the past. It tends to loom a good ten feet behind you waiting for any oppertune moment to beat you over the head with a 2 X 4 and boot fuck you while your passed out.


July, 17, 2005
Yet another uncomprehendable night. Another random occurance that is still waiting to get processed inside these tubbed vessles, though this time I feel there will be no settle of my racked nerves.
I'm tired of the drama... I dont know about all of you but I am.
I'm tired of caring too much. As much as I'd like to think I don't care I do and thats whats wrong with me.
People say they will quit and never will...
People will promise to be there forever and die...
People get torn away from you for the most rediculous reasons...
He will never quit and get his shit together, why I still care I dont know.
She will most likely never see me again and her parents will always loathe me with a passion...
But I still care.
And why?
Because Im fucking human. 

June, 27, 2005
Just because you felt it doesn't mean it was there. Just because it was there doesn't mean it really felt like anything. For many things can be present but pass over ones head without them realizing the slightest inkling of what is actually taking place.
Someone missed something or I felt something that wasn't quite apparent. None of this applies to the here and now, but it did apply at some point in time; there by declaring my utter stupidity when it comes to interaction with other beings.

So that brings us to todays lesson...

Dwelling on the past really doesn't do anything for you accept make you look like a fucking dolt...
This worsens when one cannot take hints from other individuals...
Hints are fucking retarted, suck it up and spit it the fuck out, grow some god damned testicals (unless gender happens to be a slight barrier)...

In other news... survey time!
How many of you actually take time out of your lives to read this horse shit?

June, 25, 2005
According to www.hotornot.com the answer is no. I am dead sexy! Lies I tell you LIES THEY ARE (heh heh ... heh?).
Bryan is coming over tomorrow and we are watching movies and things. I am excited.
I really don't have anything else to say at the moment other than GEE WHIZ THE SITE HAS A NEW LOOK! IT HAS COLOR! oooh fancy...

June, 24, 2005
Once again I sit here waiting for a wave of fatigue to hit me but it seems to be momentarily delayed for yet the third night in a row, leaving me with nothing to do accept sit here and contemplate the bizzare occurance last night (I'm not even going to get into it so don't ask).
All I know is that I think Fahren and Nick are in alot of shit (I was discussing my theory about them getting sued for trashing Defur's place, Jill agrees it is very likely. Fahren definetly doesn't deserve to get sued, Nick on the other hand is another story). So if either one of them read this just remember "There is nothing to fear but Defur itself".
Speaking of which Nick happens to be missing momentarily, Jill thinks he's in jail, I think he got hit by a car. Hopefully neither of these stories are true.
Being without a device for playing compact disks can only be compared to Armagedon.
Send help and batteries. 

June, 21, 2005
Another familiar sight, insomniac comforted by the glow of its idiot box. Such a device is neccissary when one is experiencing such wakefulness at this ungodly hour. One is quite likely to forget the world exsists without the company of technologies, yes without these wonderus devices pure insanity would be errupting from the one who has been raped of sleep.
Yes sleep isn't happening tonight, neither is anything slightly productive. I added to a picture I was drawing and attempted learing a couple new songs on the guitar which resulted in failure.
I have been treading upon familiar trip wires as of about a month ago and have finally fallen flat on my face. However does one stop these self fueled rampages when doing anything but ones instinct ends in complete and utter misery? To my knowledge there is NO loophole. Make everyone miserable because of these behaviors, or satisfy loved ones and run back and forth in your head screaming? My therapist says I should worry about myself first and others later...but I dont think this is what she ment.

(I don't know if anyone has ever experienced the following but I think it's what people mean by "getting high on life". Its new to me so if you think it's lame eat a horse fetus. sometimes one has emotions and feels the need to express them because there a fucking human. so Im not as HARDCORE as you are. Fucking shoot me then.)

Last night when Sam and I were getting a ride from my father, something felt a little different. The windows were rolled down and there was a warm breeze blowing across my face. I looked up at the sky and for the first time in a while, noticed the stars sober. I took a deep breath in and released it. For a few split seconds this feeling hit me in the face which I can only compare to the euphoria of MDMA (though it was completely different at the same time). I forgot everything that was right or wrong in my life and for that small time frame, experienced nothingness. Normally I would ignore this and think it was just a flashback from some chemical I had done, but Im 100% sure that wasn't the case. Usually it is the little things that keep you sane (or at least alive).